Today was an incredible Sunday at church - it was great to be back and visit with our church family at Harvest DeKalb, many of whom I haven't seen in months because of bed rest. During the service, Pastor Jason had Ryan and I join him up front so he could give everyone a quick update and so they could pray for us as a congregation. We have been so thankful for the outpouring of prayers and support that we've received from them, as well as from other friends and family. They've been going through a series of sermons about family, and today's brought both encouragement and conviction.
As I write this post, I have a sleeping baby laying peacefully on my chest. He's exhausted after taking a full bottle, so his breathing is steady & slow, and he just looks content. At times like this, I find myself smiling and saying "I can't believe he's mine". But I was reminded this morning that these boys are not really mine. Children are a gift that God has entrusted us with for a time, but ultimately, they are His. Nothing makes that point hit home for me more than thinking of Nathan. God let me mother him and nurture him for 30 weeks and 1 day, but ultimately he wasn't "mine" to keep. That's why I can't be angry that he's no longer with us here. I'm sad, but not angry. How could I be? He was a gift that we cherished for a time, and a gift that we will love and remember every day of our lives. And for that, I'm so thankful.
This morning, Pastor Jason mentioned Hannah, a woman from the Old Testament, who was barren. For a long time she cried out to God in desperation, and eventually He answered her pleas and granted her a baby boy, Samuel. Hannah's story is one that's very familiar to me. While I was struggling to get pregnant, I found encouragement in a book titled "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake which walks through Hannah's struggles as written in 1 Samuel. If you or a friend has suffered from miscarriage, infertility, or even adoption loss, I highly recommend it. In 1 Samuel 1:27-28 it says "I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." Hannah understood that her baby boy was not "hers".
As I go back and reread some of my early blog posts I realize that God never had to give me ANY children. Yet now I'm blessed with two beautiful boys here and one in heaven. I'm incredibly joyful and thankful that He has entrusted me to care for these little dumplings. I know there will be times when I need a break from motherhood, and there will be countless times that I disappoint the boys and "fail" as a mom, but for now all I can do is be grateful for them...spit-up, poopy diapers and all.
2 comments:
A line from a song that often comforted me was, "He gives and takes away." Even now with Titus I often catch myself thinking that I had to wait 4 years for him and nothing better ever happen to him. In all reality though, our breath is but for a moment. He is God's and if I was only meant to mother him for this short of time,then who am I? God has given me the gift of knowing what it is to be a mother and for that I should be grateful. There are also passages in the Bible that have come to life having had a son and for that I am also grateful. Even though we can't be there physically to help you two out, we are praying and lifting you and the boys up in prayer.
So powerful, Al. The way that you share these stories is such a testament to God's faithfulness and love. Thank you for your willingness to allow your family and friends to enter into this time with you by sharing so openly. Love you!
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