Kindergarten

I don't really even like to write, but in many ways it's therapeutic. I suppose if it weren't 2017, I'd write in a diary instead of a blog for the entire world to read. Either way, it helps me give order to some of my random thoughts and feelings. And today has been full of feelings.

Today was the first "official" day of kindergarten, even though we simply went for parent-teacher conferences. It's not unusual for parents to get a little teary eyed when they send their first(s) off to school, but I wasn't expecting it to hit me over and over and over today. I thought I was ready for this. For months I've been waiting for a little break during the day, so why was this so hard??? Then it hit me.

This is why.

It's not about going off to school. The boys are ready for that. I'm ready for that. What I wasn't ready for was sending them off...separately.

We have decided to separate them into different classes, and I know with every ounce of me that it was the right decision for them. But that doesn't make it easy.

My heart breaks a little when I think about tomorrow when John will walk in alone. Andrew will go in alone the next day. Finally on Monday, they'll go together but will walk into different rooms. And it will be good. They will make new friends. They have amazing teachers. And they will come home and have so much to tell each other.

But today it is hard.

Hard because they've always been a unit. Best friends who spend most of every waking moment together.

Hard because for five years, we've tried to keep things equal, do everything the same, and today was different. Different is good, and that's why we've chosen to make this transition now, but my heart wasn't ready for it.

Hard because the "birthday wreath" hung on the front porch today. James celebrated his first birthday yesterday, so the wreath was hung for him. But every other time that wreath has been hung, it was put out for Nathan and stayed up for six more days until Andrew's & John's birthday. Nathan has been on my mind and very present in my thoughts lately. That silly wreath that I love so much has been a reminder of him and how he impacted this family. A reminder of the scars that have shaped me and will always be there...but feel like they fade to the rest of the world as time passes.

So today was hard for this mama. My triplets have been separated once before - two came home and one is rejoicing in heaven. Today is a much more temporary separation - one that will be so very good - but it's simply got me "feeling the feels".

So wherever you are today, whatever your circumstances, trust that they will be used for good. They might not feel good, but keep moving forward, and growth will come from the discomfort.

Andrew and John will be okay.

Mommy will be okay too.

This Time of Year

The last time that Friday the 13th fell in January, it was 2012. That was the day I heard my son's precious heartbeat for the very last time.

Three days later, it was gone. He was gone.

Six days after that, his brothers were born.

These anniversaries are so bittersweet. They always bring tears, extra hugs, and the "what if's" that I try to ignore. I long to hold sweet Nathan the way I did his siblings. But I also know that he is celebrating our Savior in a way that I can't fully comprehend this side of heaven. I know that his life was not wasted and that he shaped me and our family in ways we never expected.

Two of those ways are sitting around this table. Elizabeth and James.

Ryan and I each had one older sibling, so early in our marriage we naturally imagined building our happy little family of four. God laughed at our plans when he gave us three at once and lovingly whispered, "I have something even better in store".

Growing triplet boys and losing one of them made us realize how amazing the gift of family is. It created in us the desire a large family, and I often think that if Nathan had not been a part of our lives, Elizabeth and James might not either.

So today on Friday the 13th, my heart rejoices for gift of children. The screaming, the fighting, the frustration...and the snuggles, the kisses, and the bedtime books that I'm tired of reading but want to read forever.

We have so very much to be thankful for.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above." James 1:17

xo