Kindergarten

I don't really even like to write, but in many ways it's therapeutic. I suppose if it weren't 2017, I'd write in a diary instead of a blog for the entire world to read. Either way, it helps me give order to some of my random thoughts and feelings. And today has been full of feelings.

Today was the first "official" day of kindergarten, even though we simply went for parent-teacher conferences. It's not unusual for parents to get a little teary eyed when they send their first(s) off to school, but I wasn't expecting it to hit me over and over and over today. I thought I was ready for this. For months I've been waiting for a little break during the day, so why was this so hard??? Then it hit me.

This is why.

It's not about going off to school. The boys are ready for that. I'm ready for that. What I wasn't ready for was sending them off...separately.

We have decided to separate them into different classes, and I know with every ounce of me that it was the right decision for them. But that doesn't make it easy.

My heart breaks a little when I think about tomorrow when John will walk in alone. Andrew will go in alone the next day. Finally on Monday, they'll go together but will walk into different rooms. And it will be good. They will make new friends. They have amazing teachers. And they will come home and have so much to tell each other.

But today it is hard.

Hard because they've always been a unit. Best friends who spend most of every waking moment together.

Hard because for five years, we've tried to keep things equal, do everything the same, and today was different. Different is good, and that's why we've chosen to make this transition now, but my heart wasn't ready for it.

Hard because the "birthday wreath" hung on the front porch today. James celebrated his first birthday yesterday, so the wreath was hung for him. But every other time that wreath has been hung, it was put out for Nathan and stayed up for six more days until Andrew's & John's birthday. Nathan has been on my mind and very present in my thoughts lately. That silly wreath that I love so much has been a reminder of him and how he impacted this family. A reminder of the scars that have shaped me and will always be there...but feel like they fade to the rest of the world as time passes.

So today was hard for this mama. My triplets have been separated once before - two came home and one is rejoicing in heaven. Today is a much more temporary separation - one that will be so very good - but it's simply got me "feeling the feels".

So wherever you are today, whatever your circumstances, trust that they will be used for good. They might not feel good, but keep moving forward, and growth will come from the discomfort.

Andrew and John will be okay.

Mommy will be okay too.