Kindergarten

I don't really even like to write, but in many ways it's therapeutic. I suppose if it weren't 2017, I'd write in a diary instead of a blog for the entire world to read. Either way, it helps me give order to some of my random thoughts and feelings. And today has been full of feelings.

Today was the first "official" day of kindergarten, even though we simply went for parent-teacher conferences. It's not unusual for parents to get a little teary eyed when they send their first(s) off to school, but I wasn't expecting it to hit me over and over and over today. I thought I was ready for this. For months I've been waiting for a little break during the day, so why was this so hard??? Then it hit me.

This is why.

It's not about going off to school. The boys are ready for that. I'm ready for that. What I wasn't ready for was sending them off...separately.

We have decided to separate them into different classes, and I know with every ounce of me that it was the right decision for them. But that doesn't make it easy.

My heart breaks a little when I think about tomorrow when John will walk in alone. Andrew will go in alone the next day. Finally on Monday, they'll go together but will walk into different rooms. And it will be good. They will make new friends. They have amazing teachers. And they will come home and have so much to tell each other.

But today it is hard.

Hard because they've always been a unit. Best friends who spend most of every waking moment together.

Hard because for five years, we've tried to keep things equal, do everything the same, and today was different. Different is good, and that's why we've chosen to make this transition now, but my heart wasn't ready for it.

Hard because the "birthday wreath" hung on the front porch today. James celebrated his first birthday yesterday, so the wreath was hung for him. But every other time that wreath has been hung, it was put out for Nathan and stayed up for six more days until Andrew's & John's birthday. Nathan has been on my mind and very present in my thoughts lately. That silly wreath that I love so much has been a reminder of him and how he impacted this family. A reminder of the scars that have shaped me and will always be there...but feel like they fade to the rest of the world as time passes.

So today was hard for this mama. My triplets have been separated once before - two came home and one is rejoicing in heaven. Today is a much more temporary separation - one that will be so very good - but it's simply got me "feeling the feels".

So wherever you are today, whatever your circumstances, trust that they will be used for good. They might not feel good, but keep moving forward, and growth will come from the discomfort.

Andrew and John will be okay.

Mommy will be okay too.

This Time of Year

The last time that Friday the 13th fell in January, it was 2012. That was the day I heard my son's precious heartbeat for the very last time.

Three days later, it was gone. He was gone.

Six days after that, his brothers were born.

These anniversaries are so bittersweet. They always bring tears, extra hugs, and the "what if's" that I try to ignore. I long to hold sweet Nathan the way I did his siblings. But I also know that he is celebrating our Savior in a way that I can't fully comprehend this side of heaven. I know that his life was not wasted and that he shaped me and our family in ways we never expected.

Two of those ways are sitting around this table. Elizabeth and James.

Ryan and I each had one older sibling, so early in our marriage we naturally imagined building our happy little family of four. God laughed at our plans when he gave us three at once and lovingly whispered, "I have something even better in store".

Growing triplet boys and losing one of them made us realize how amazing the gift of family is. It created in us the desire a large family, and I often think that if Nathan had not been a part of our lives, Elizabeth and James might not either.

So today on Friday the 13th, my heart rejoices for gift of children. The screaming, the fighting, the frustration...and the snuggles, the kisses, and the bedtime books that I'm tired of reading but want to read forever.

We have so very much to be thankful for.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above." James 1:17

xo

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Most of you seeing this have known Ryan and me for many years and already know our story. Others of you have just come into our lives recently, so this post is for you.

Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, so it seems as good of a time as any to share our story with you. While many of my old blog posts don't even come close to expressing what I want them to, I invite you to start at the beginning.

Today is a day that many women suffer through alone - weeping silently over the child who made them a mother, but whom they never got to hold. Dreaming of the person they would become. Wondering. If that is you, please don't try to do it alone. If you have no one else that you want to tell, tell me. And I will listen.

Many of you know John and Andrew as the twin boys that you see in matching outfits at preschool, or the park, or out for ice cream (yes, we do that a lot). While I've had to get used to the term "twins", to me my boys will always be part of a larger team - triplets. After struggling to get pregnant because of a hormone imbalance, we were given the gift of three baby boys. At 30 weeks and 1 day of my pregnancy, I went in for a regularly scheduled ultrasound to learn that "Baby B" no longer had a heartbeat. In an instant, we were rocked to the core. I am confident in my faith and know that on that day, Nathan Anthony Harris, went to heaven where he will stay in the glorious presence of God for all eternity. But this is where words fail me, because while this fact gives me immense comfort, there is nothing to describe the excruciating feeling of loss that a parent feels. When I look back and remember sitting in a funeral home, selecting an urn for my 2-pound child, my heart weeps all over again.

But through that pain, I have reason to rejoice. Six days later, I received two of the biggest blessings I could ever imagine in the birth of Andrew and John. Three years later, God blew our socks off again with the addition of Elizabeth to our family. Through it all, I've learned more about the Cross and what an enormous sacrifice it was for God to give up His son. For me. Our experiences have also allowed me to help some of you through tough times. And I hope that continues. So on today, October 15th, if you're struggling with infertility or pregnancy loss, please know that you always have a friend here who knows just a little bit about what you're going through.

XO

Missing my Munchkin

January 16th is always a hard day for me.  Today marks two years since we learned that baby Nathan had gone to be with the Lord.  Everyday I miss him, but today the longing seems particularly strong.  After two years, I still grieve the loss of the son I never got to cuddle & hug, never got to see smile, and never got to hear laugh.  But I also rejoice and rest in the knowlegde that I will see him again someday in God's kingdom.  I miss him, but I do "not grieve as others do who have no hope" (1 Thes 4:13).  So until that day comes, I will continue on and I will love the two precious boys that I do get to hug and wrestle.  What a joy, a privilege, and a journey that motherhood has been.  I am thankful for every second of it.

 

Life's Curves

I thought that I was probably done blogging.  It has been so long since my last post, and I think I was okay with being finished.  Then I got a curve ball thrown into my day.  What could have been just another Facebook post by a friend, brought me here instead...

I saw this morning that a friend-of-a-friend just tragically lost one of her precious twin boys. It's simply heart-breaking and gut-wrenching.  I don't even know this family, but suddenly they belong to the same "club" as me.  I emailed this grieving mother and wanted to share with her something that I had posted many months ago. Which is how I got here.  Then when I logged in, I saw that in the lifetime of this simple blog, it has had over 22,000 views. Which is insane to me.  Nothing that I can write is possibly that interesting, so I'm guessing you all just wanted to see some adorable little kids!  So with that said, I will try to continue posting sporadic updates and pictures. I can't promise that it will be often or regular, but I will try.

And today as I'm reminded of how precious life is, I will hug my boys a little closer, smother them with kisses while they'll still let me, and thank God for every minute I have with them.  I encourage you to do the same with your kids.

John & Andrew - 20 Months

One-Year Photos

Like usual, this post is long overdue, but I wanted to share a few photos that were taken when the boys turned one.  It's amazing how much they've changed even since these were shot in January.  A special thank-you to Stephanie & Danny at Lifeworks Imaging in Rochelle for taking some great pictures and for being so patient with two tired boys who went from smiling to fussing in a matter of minutes.  Crabby kiddos?  There's an app for that...

Andrew James

John Stephen

  

  

 

How do you measure a year?

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 

525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. 

In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?

How about love? 

During tonight's Zumba class, our cool down was to "Seasons of Love" from the musical Rent - it's a great song, so find it on YouTube if you've never heard it.  I sang it in high school choir, so I know all the lyrics and can't help but belt them out every time I hear the song.  Hearing it tonight, now that I'm a mom with one-year-old babies, the words suddenly seemed more true.  As I think back on the boys' first year, there really were 525,000+ moments that will always be so dear to me.  And those midnight feedings followed by morning cups of coffee?  I cherish those too.  The first year brought some sorrow instead of strife, but it also brought so much laughter and love.  Lots, and lots of love.

The boys are now 13.5 months, so the first year is already behind us, but I realized that I never posted any pictures from their birthday party.  Sometimes when there are too many to choose from, I end up not posting any at all!  The boys loved their smash cakes even though they were a little unsure whether or not it was okay to get messy (a huge thank you to my amazingly talented neighbor for making them)!  Overall it was a true joy to celebrate John and Andrew's first year; we have been incredibly blessed!

So here you go...some highlights from Andrew & John's "Winter ONEderland" birthday party!

 

 

 

The Boys' First Haircuts 1.10.2013

The time had come and we couldn't wait any longer...these shaggy boys needed haircuts!  After several recommendations from friends, we took the boys to Dusty's Barber Shop in downtown Sycamore.  Dusty did a great job and was amazing when it came to dealing with two squealing, squirmy little ones.  Overall, the boys handled it very well.  The hardest part was keeping them still while they wanted to turn and look at whatever tool was in Dusty's hands. There were a few tears, but what first haircut would be complete without them?

Andrew took the chair first...

We discovered that a few squirts of water helped quiet them down...they were thirsty!

While Andrew was getting his hair cut, John waited patiently in his car seat.  When his patience was all up, a friendly stranger who was waiting for his turn offered to hold John while Dad and the paparazzi (a.k.a. me) were busy.  This is just one of the many reasons why I love living in a small town.

Our little model shows off his new 'do!

John's turn next...

This kid looks like he belongs on "That 70's Show" with all that hair!

 

John was thirsty too

Andrew watches as John gets the finishing touches

 

Nothing like some snacks to finish off our trip to the barber!

 Thanks Dusty, we'll see you again in a few weeks!