July 26, 2011

After hearing that we're expecting twins, we immediately headed back to the library to check out some different books.  "What to Expect When You're Expecting" just wasn't going to cut it when it comes to multiple babies!  Oh, and the dreaded morning-sickness kicked in today.  I wish they're rename it, because it has nothing to do with the morning.  24/7 sickness sounds more like it.  I suppose I should consider it a blessing because it's a sign that the little ones are growing up a storm! 

Week 5 - July 22, 2011

Today we went in for our first ultrasound.  It's still very early, so the ultrasounds are difficult to read at this point and it's too early to hear heartbeats.  The nurses were shocked to see two little yolk sacs - TWINS!

The big news!

After two weeks of waiting (which seemed like an eternity), we got the call we were hoping for - a POSITIVE pregnancy test!  Fortunately I was alone in the office all afternoon, so when I listened to the voicemail, I was able to lock the door for a few minutes, cry, fall to my knees and thank God  - all without having my coworkers around to look at me like I was crazy.  Ryan didn't hear the news until he came home from work that evening, but he was greeted with the usual hug & kiss and "You're gonna be a Dad!"  What an amazing day!

"Every good and perfect gift is from above" James 1:7a

Where we've been...

Thank you for following along with us on this journey…and what a journey it’s been!  While this chapter of our lives is just beginning, there have already been so many lessons learned that we felt it would be a shame not to be open and honest about our lives over the last few months.  

Without getting into all the specifics, we’ve been strugling to get pregnant for the last year & a half.  It has been hands-down, the toughest, most-emotional thing we have ever dealt with as individuals or as a married couple.   We confided in a few of you along the way – and for those of you who were supporting us and praying for us, we will be forever grateful.   In the beginning, there were so many unknowns and questions.   You begin to believe the lies in your head that tell you that you’re broken, you’ve failed, and that your spouse would have been better off marrying someone else.  It can be a dark, dark place, filled with self-doubt and pity, and like many other problems – sometimes taking that first step to seek help is the hardest.  I remember the huge relief and weight that was lifted when I told that first friend – someone who had been through a different, but similar experience.  Just speaking the words out loud to someone else was so difficult, but brought such healing.   A verse from Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!”  How true these words were in my life!  All along we knew there was a God who loved us that was in control, but at that point we were very much still trying to handle this on our own, and that’s where the overwhelming difficulties came in.

Little by little, we sought medical help from a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) and got the answers we were looking for.  I began treatment in early spring of 2011 and began to get more comfortable and less ashamed.  I’ve been pricked by more needles than any pincushion ever should – my veins were bruised and sore from having blood drawn every other day.  There were many early mornings I’d have to rush to make the 40-mile round trip drive so I could still make it to work on time, just to feel the stress all day of waiting for those next set of lab results.  Our rock throughout this entire process has been Christ  – I printed out a list of verses to help ease my fears and put copies in our cars and tucked them in the front page of my binder (come on, you know me – of course I have an organized binder of bills, info, insurance stuff, etc).  Once we were finally able to fully trust Jesus with the situation AND the outcome, we truly finally felt at peace regardless of what the results might be - “…for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.” Philippians 4:11b.  While the future was still blurry and unclear to us, He knew exactly what was in store!   I have to share a few verses because some days they were the only thing to give me the courage to step out of the car and into the doctor's office (I’ve added some emphasis or parenthesis to a few)…

·       “And we know (we know it even if we don’t feel it) that in all things (even the ones we can’t even fathom being used for good) God works for the good (He works for the good. Our job is to walk with Him day by day. His job is to work the good) of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

·      “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

·      “For YOU created my inmost being; YOU knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made” Psalm 139:13-15 

There are three main reasons why we’re sharing so much of this with you.  First, fertility struggles much more common that you might think, but because it’s so personal, it’s not usually spoken of.  I could name almost a dozen different couples that have or are experiencing this in some form or another.  Maybe this is something you’re going through now too – you’re not alone!  Or maybe one day you’ll become a spouse to someone who struggles to conceive or maintain a pregnancy.  Or maybe it’ll be a family member who will need your support.  Looking back on it now, I'm thankful that our issues were caused by a simple hormone imbalance that was relatively easy to treat.  Some couples struggle with this for years, having to undergo surgery after surgery and repeated heartbreaks.  It’s an extremely personal issue, but feeling alone just makes things worse – if you need someone to talk to, please know that we’re here for you. 

Second, plain & simply - we just wanted to share our joy with you!  We cannot tell you how excited we are to be welcoming three precious babies!  We know that the next few months will be tough ones and there are no guarantees, but in the end it will all be worth it.  We can’t even begin to fathom what the next 18+ years of our lives will be like, but we’re so excited.  We never planned on having three kids (let alone all at once!) but as we were boldly reminded – we’re not the ones in control!

Which leads to my third, and probably most important reason for sharing – we wanted God to be glorified in all of this.  There is so much that He has taught us and shown us through this trial, that it’s impossible not to mention His great kindness and mercy and how incredibly thankful we are!  We don’t “deserve” children (or jobs, homes, nice cars, or anything, for that matter!) yet He provides…not always when or how we expect, but He knows what’s best.  I imagine that as we become parents of toddlers, we will see time & time again that what’s best for your child is sometimes the answer “no” or at least, “not right now”.  How reassuring is it to know that we have a loving, Heavenly Father who looks out for us, cares for us, and teaches us in that same way!?  What we didn’t know 18 months ago was that He had something even greater in store for us!   “I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.” Psalm 63:4

So that’s our story…at least up to this point!