We're Home!

I haven't had a chance to blog in the last few days, but we have great news - the boys are home!!!  We been busy making bottles, changing diapers, and taking care of the two little guys, so I'm sorry this is late.  Andrew and John were discharged from CDH on Sunday night and have been doing extremely well at home. It's taken us a little time to get in our groove and figure out things like "Where's the most convenient drawer to keep burp cloths?", but so far, so good! The boys also had their first pediatrician's appointment and she thought they both looked exceptionally well. 

When they left the NICU, they were starting to be on a 4-hour feeding schedule, but our first night was closer to every 2.5 hours.  I think it's from all the late-night partying that Nurse Bethany had them doing!  We have some hilarious pictures from their last night in the NICU that I'll post when I have a chance.  For now, we're trying to catch winks of sleep whenever we can and last night seemed to go a little better.

For now, both the NICU and our pediatrician have told us that we must be extremely cautious about germs, so we're not able to have visitors yet.  Unfortunately it'll still be a few weeks before they make their public debut.  Below is some detailed info specifically about RSV that the doctors stressed to us.  We'll let you know as soon as visitors are able to come to the house and hold them!  Here are a few pictures from our trip home...

Now it’s time for us to make an important public service announcement regarding visiting the babies and RSV. (RSV info borrowed from the blog of a fellow mom of multiples)

Most people have not heard of RSV, which stands for respiratory syncytial virus, even though nearly every child has had it by age two. For full-term babies, RSV typically isn't any worse than a common cold, but for preemies, RSV is quite serious. Babies born earlier than 36 weeks are at the highest risk for serious complications from RSV such as pneumonia, bronchitis and other sometimes fatal complications.


Preventing the spread of RSV is very difficult, so although we want all of you to meet the babies, we're going to have to be extremely vigilant about keeping them safe during RSV season (October through April). The virus is spread through physical contact, in the air via a cough or sneeze, or by touching an infected object. It can live as long as six hours on hands and up to twelve hours on objects and it spreads very easily, especially from child to child. Studies have also shown that infants pose an even higher risk of spreading RSV to others. You may ask “Can’t they fight it off and build up their immune system? Kids need to get sick, right?” The simple answer is NO. Since our babies were pre-term, they did not acquire the necessary immunities to fight off infection. If they contract RSV, they could be hospitalized and develop one of the complications mentioned above.


In order to try to prevent the babies from getting RSV or any other illness, our doctors recommend that all visitors follow these guidelines when coming to see them between now and April:


1. When you arrive, please wash your hands and use hand-sanitizer.
2. Please refrain from coming over if you are sick and have not been symptom-free for at least 5 days, if you live with someone who is sick, or have been in close contact with someone who is sick.
3. If you smoke, we ask that you change your clothing and refrain from smoking prior to visiting, as a preemie’s lungs are very sensitive to smoke. Most RSV sites recommend against passive smoke exposure.
4. If you are parents to a baby or toddler, please refrain from bringing them to our house during RSV season.
5. Please refrain from touching the babies. For the time being, only the babies’ grandparents and caretakers will be able to handle and hold the babies.

Please know that this is not meant to offend anyone, but we wanted to provide an explanation as to why the doctors are incredibly paranoid with the babies. Due to the mild winter we've had, the peak of RSV "season" seems to be hitting now.  Thank you all for your understanding! We have to be hermits for awhile, but it will be well worth it in the end!

Thank you!

Gracias! Merci! Danke! Grazi! Dikuji! Ďakujem! THANK YOU!!!

There are not enough languages to express how thankful we are to all of our family and friends for everything you've done for us over the past few months.

THANK YOU to our small group, Pastor Jason, the worship team, and all our church family at Harvest for planning a beautiful service for Nathan. We know that a lot of time and effort went into the preparations, and we truly appreciate every little detail. We will always cherish the memories of that night.

THANK YOU to our friends and family who gave up your Friday evening and drove through nasty winter weather to celebrate his life with us. You are coworkers, bosses, aunts, uncles, cousins, college friends, high school friends, teammates, neighbors, honeymoon friends, childhood friends, parents, and so many others. You drove several hours from Chicago, Kansas City, Des Moines, and southern Illinois. You gave up other commitments that you had scheduled and took early flights home just to make it back in time. We appreciate every single person who was there.

THANK YOU to those of you who wanted to be there for Nathan's service but couldn't make it. We are honored that you wanted to be there with us. We know that there are some obligations and commitments that cannot be broken, and we figured that a Friday night wouldn't work for everyone.

THANK YOU to everyone who has lovingly prepared meals for us over the last few months. While I was on bed rest, it made our lives so much easier and helped grow our babies big & strong! Whether it was carry out, dinner at your house, or food dropped off at our place, it has been an incredible help. Since we've been trekking back & forth to the NICU, it has been so nice to not worry about what's for dinner every night. We truly appreciate it and someday (when I become a better cook), I hope to return the favor.

There is so much that people have done for us that we're incredibly grateful for. I could go on forever...

THANK YOU to everyone who has given me rides when I couldn't drive, taken me to appointments, offered to pick up things from the store, fed the cat when we were gone, helped set-up the house for triplets, helped take down the third set of everything that we'd already set-up, loaned me maternity clothes, given us gifts, planned or attended showers, and so, so much more.

THANK YOU to those of you who have prayed for us and the boys. We can't tell you how much that means to us. 1 Thessalonians 5 says to "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you", so please don't stop now!

We're so excited to begin this chapter of our lives and we can't thank you enough for all that you've done to make it so memorable!

Happy 1 Month Birthday!

So I'm a day late in posting this, but...Happy One Month Birthday, Andrew & John! I can't believe it's already been a month since the boys decided to make their grand entrance into the world. To celebrate, the nurses made them each a "Happy 1 Month Birthday" sign for their room.

The little boys are already growing so fast. Andrew now weighs 6 pounds 13 ounces and is 19.5 inches long. John weighs 5 pounds 7.5 ounces and is 18 inches long. They're both doing really well with their bottles and are drinking more from them each day.

To make the day even more memorable, they both got circumcised. They're a little sleepier than usual because of it, but are doing well and won't remember any of it when they're older. It's nice that they'll have time to heal before we bring them home.

The last bit of exciting news...no more feeding tubes!!! I think both boys were trying to tell the doctors they want to go home because both of them pulled their tubes out on their own. At this point, the doctors wanted to see how they did with all bottle feedings. So far, so good!

Still no word on the official release date yet. There are still a few things that need to be done before they come home, but it shouldn't be too much longer!

Rub-a-dub-dub

Today Ryan and I got to give the boys their first baths! Of course the nurses have been bathing them for weeks, so I guess today was OUR first baths! We haven't even watched them bathe before, so we had no idea what we were doing. But it was fun, the boys loved it, and no one got injured (or peed on) - so it was a successful day.  However, I still cannot look at these pictures without laughing hysterically.

Andrew

John

Nurse Lisa wheeled in a cart covered in towels, blankets, and their little tubs, so we could "race" and bathe them both at the same time. They're so slippery, so I'm guessing we'll switch to bathing them one at a time once they come home - two parents per baby sounds a bit easier until we get the hang of it.

Both boys continue to work on bottle feeding and were just switched back to the lower 22-calorie formula. They usually start all eight feedings by bottle, but often don't finish the entire amount before falling asleep, so they still take any remaining amount by feeding tube. They're starting to get the hang of it, but just need some more practice. Andrew seems to have a stronger suck, but John seems to understand the suck-swallow-breathe process a little better. Andrew just gets so excited to eat that he takes big gulps and then spits a lot of it out. Today both boys took their entire bottles for us, and I think it helped that they were wide awake from their baths.

Earlier in the week, the eye doctor stopped in for a routine screening.  Preemies born before 34 weeks often have issues with the blood vessels in their retinas which can lead to vision problems or require surgery, but it doesn't seem to be the case for either of them. Thankfully everything looked normal and Andrew and John both have fully developed retinas.  They also had a hearing screening today and both passed the test!  It will still probably be 2-3 weeks before they come home, but they're right on track for their adjusted age of 35 weeks. Most babies come home sometime between 37 weeks and their original due date, so it won't be too much longer. Once they consistently take all of their feedings by bottle, it should be goodbye NICU!

Service Details for Nathan

Undescribable

Today it's been one month since our lives changed forever. One month since our hearts have been broken. One month since we lost our precious son, Nathan. We will never again be the same people we were before January 16th, 2012. We have been forever changed.

I cannot express the amount of joy and happiness we've experienced from the lives of Andrew and John. And I cannot express how much comfort the Lord has brought us, and how much peace He has given us with the assurance that Nathan is in heaven. But I also do not think I've accurately expressed the amount of sorrow and pain we've felt in the last month. I don't have the words to even begin to express how it feels to lose your child, so I've avoided trying to. I've mentioned that we are sad, but sadness isn't even close to the correct emotion. I cannot say that we are devastated or hopeless, because our trust in Jesus prevents those feelings. However, the heart-wrenching absence of Nathan is present every single day. Every day I miss him and think of him. Each day gets a little easier, and God has truly carried us through this last month. The strength He's given us is not something the Ryan or I have on our own.

In the last month, I have spent hours and days trying to write his obituary. During the first several attempts, the words were just too difficult to put on paper. Seeing the words written in black & white made it seem so much more real. Nathan won't ever receive a birth certificate, so in turn, there will be no death certificate. I wanted to be sure that there was a public record of his life, because it is and was significant. I never imagined that I would be doing this for my child. Over the last month, we have wrestled with how to handle his body and remains - what does society tell us is the "right" way vs. what do our hearts tell us. We have also had to chose a funeral home to handle the paperwork and the cremation, and have helped to plan a worship service to celebrate what God has done through Nathan's life. I will post details for the service as soon as they're finalized for anyone who might like to attend.

While death is never easy for anyone, it's one thing when you're "making arrangements" for an elderly person who lived a full life and who you have many warm memories of. It's another thing to do it for a child who never got to do all the things you imagined they would do. Thankfully, many of you will never fully understand, and I hope that you never do. The loss of a child is not something I would wish on anyone. I read something in the past few days that I'll try to paraphrase - if a child loses their parents, they are called orphans; if you lose a spouse, you are a widow; but there is no word for a parent who loses a child because there is nothing that can describe it. We appreciate those of you who have expressed your sympathy. A simple "I'm sorry for your loss" means so much to us. We know that it's often difficult to know what to say to someone who's grieving. Even if it brings tears to my eyes, I love when people acknowledge him or call him by name.

Comments like "Well, at least you have two others" or "you can always have more kids" make it crystal clear that people don't understand - and like I said, it's okay that you don't. But we knew Nathan. We had hopes and dreams for him, and his dying left a permanent hole in our lives. Fortunately we know that this hole wasn't put there for no reason. God will use Nathan's life for His glory, that's one thing I'm certain. God has shown us a side of the cross that we never would have experienced without Nathan's death. I have a completely new understanding of the sacrifice that God made for me. I now know the pain of losing my son, just as He did. My son was taken from me and it was completely out of my control, but God voluntarily gave up His son for us, even though it was equally as painful. That blows my mind.

There are times when I feel guilty for feeling so much grief while I have these two beautiful blessings. It's a constant struggle to balance these emotions that are on extreme opposite ends of the spectrum - joy and deep sadness, loving and grieving, bonding and letting go - all at the same time. If there's anything that has made me feel better about the sorrow, it's knowing that God knows our pain and grieves with us. The shortest verse in the Bible is found in John 11:35 and simply says "Jesus wept." Many of you are familiar with the story of how Jesus raised his friend, Lazarus, from the dead, but this excerpt from an article explains why this short sentence is so important...

The shortest verse in the Bible is John 11:35: “Jesus wept.” But for all its grammatical simplicity, it’s packed with unfathomable complexity.

Jesus wept after speaking with Lazarus’ grieving sisters, Martha and Mary, and seeing all the mourners. That seems natural enough.

Except that Jesus had come to Bethany to raise Lazarus from the dead. He knew that in a few short minutes all this weeping would turn to astonished joy, and then tearful laughter, and then worship.

So one would think that Jesus would be a confident, joyful calm in that storm of sorrow. But he was “greatly troubled” (John 11:33) and he wept. Why? One reason is simply the deep compassion that Jesus felt for those who were suffering. It is true that Jesus let Lazarus die. He delayed coming, and he did not speak healing from a distance like he did for the centurion’s servant (Matthew 8:13). His reasons were good and merciful and glorious. But this did not mean Jesus took the suffering it caused lightly. “For he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men” (Lamentations 3:33). Even though Jesus always chooses what will ultimately bring his Father the most glory (John 11:4)—and sometimes, as in Lazarus’ case, it requires affliction and grief—he does not take delight in the affliction and grief itself. No, Jesus is sympathetic (Hebrews 4:15). And as “the image of the invisible God” (Colossians 1:15), in Jesus at the tomb of Lazarus we get a glimpse of how the Father feels over the affliction and grief his children experience.

Knowing that God himself knows my suffering reminds me that we're not alone in this. He's even put strangers into our lives who we've needed during this time. For example, we received a card in the mail this week from a local family who we've never even met, but who suffered a similar loss. And through the wonders of Facebook, have met another mother who lost her son, Jonah, within days of our loss of Nathan. She's written a beautiful blog to deal with her grief that has brought me much peace as well. If you're dealing with suffering, I would suggest you take a read:

http://growththroughgrief.blogspot.com/2012/02/permission-to-grieve.html?spref=fb

Our lives for the past year have been an open book, so I felt like this is a part that I needed to share as well. The wounds will continue to heal day-by-day, and everytime I look at his beautiful brothers and watch them grow, I will think of Nathan. Even as the pain and sorrow fades, we will always have a place in our hearts that belongs to Nathan.

Quick Update

John and Andrew continue to grow, grow grow!  As of 2/14/12, John weighed 4 pounds 14 ounces, so he should be reaching 5 pounds soon.  Andrew is 6 pounds 1 ounce and has already outgrown all preemie clothes. We're starting to notice their cheeks look fuller and their arms and legs are not nearly as skinny!  I wasn't sure how quickly a full term baby puts on weight, so I asked the nurse last night.  Our boys are putting on 1-2 ounces per day which really is "turbo-weight gain".  They're still on the higher calorie formula, but they'll be switched back to regular 22-calorie formula shortly so they don't put on too much.  They've both moved up to newborn sized diapers too, so it looks like we've got some diapers to exchange. 

They're still chugging along (literally) on taking their bottles.  Both have been cleared by the doctors to take as many feedings by bottle as they can, but it's still usually only around three or four per day.  They still tire out easily, so they get most of the feedings by feeding tube.  I can't wait for the day that those are gone and I can pinch their chubby little cheeks!  They are doing exceptionally well though and Ryan & I are started to get the hang of it.  Bottle feeding them is harder than I ever imagined because I'm always afraid I'll choke them!  With every bottle we give, it gets easier for us and for them.

It seems like both boys like to pull their feeding tubes out in the middle of the night.  John did it the other day right before I arrived, so I did get to see him for a few precious minutes without it!  His poor cheek was red and irritated from the tape, but I did get to take a couple quick pictures...

Still no word on when they'll be coming home, but they're on the right track.  The trips back and forth get a little crazy, but we're glad we've been able to be with them every day so far!

Happy Valentine's Day

Andrew and John wanted to wish you a

Happy Valentine's Day!



For this child I prayed

Today was an incredible Sunday at church - it was great to be back and visit with our church family at Harvest DeKalb, many of whom I haven't seen in months because of bed rest. During the service, Pastor Jason had Ryan and I join him up front so he could give everyone a quick update and so they could pray for us as a congregation. We have been so thankful for the outpouring of prayers and support that we've received from them, as well as from other friends and family. They've been going through a series of sermons about family, and today's brought both encouragement and conviction.

As I write this post, I have a sleeping baby laying peacefully on my chest. He's exhausted after taking a full bottle, so his breathing is steady & slow, and he just looks content. At times like this, I find myself smiling and saying "I can't believe he's mine". But I was reminded this morning that these boys are not really mine. Children are a gift that God has entrusted us with for a time, but ultimately, they are His. Nothing makes that point hit home for me more than thinking of Nathan. God let me mother him and nurture him for 30 weeks and 1 day, but ultimately he wasn't "mine" to keep. That's why I can't be angry that he's no longer with us here. I'm sad, but not angry. How could I be? He was a gift that we cherished for a time, and a gift that we will love and remember every day of our lives. And for that, I'm so thankful.

This morning, Pastor Jason mentioned Hannah, a woman from the Old Testament, who was barren. For a long time she cried out to God in desperation, and eventually He answered her pleas and granted her a baby boy, Samuel. Hannah's story is one that's very familiar to me. While I was struggling to get pregnant, I found encouragement in a book titled "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake which walks through Hannah's struggles as written in 1 Samuel. If you or a friend has suffered from miscarriage, infertility, or even adoption loss, I highly recommend it. In 1 Samuel 1:27-28 it says "I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." Hannah understood that her baby boy was not "hers".

As I go back and reread some of my early blog posts I realize that God never had to give me ANY children. Yet now I'm blessed with two beautiful boys here and one in heaven. I'm incredibly joyful and thankful that He has entrusted me to care for these little dumplings. I know there will be times when I need a break from motherhood, and there will be countless times that I disappoint the boys and "fail" as a mom, but for now all I can do is be grateful for them...spit-up, poopy diapers and all.

Preemie Paparrazi

Greetings from the NICU! The other night we were getting ready to go home when Nurse Bethany suggested we take a "couple" more pictures before we go. It turned into a full photo shoot, and we had a blast. We've mainly just held and fed the boys while we're here, so this was our first glimpse at how much fun it is to PLAY! Here are a couple of the highlights and some updates from the past few days...

John is now in a big boy bed like his brother! They're both sleeping in open air cribs and are doing great at regulating their temperature (which is one requirement before coming home).

John's Big Boy Bed

Both boys have started taking bottles for three of their eight daily feedings. Sometimes they're only able to take half (or less) of the feeding before they tire out and fall asleep, but so far both boys have managed to take an entire feeding by bottle - the nurses even made signs to congratulate them.

We're constantly reminded by the nurses that they're doing exceptionally well for their age. Their adjusted age is still only 33 weeks, so one nurse told us that the boys shouldn't even be THINKING about bottles at this point. They've still got a while before they fully grasp the suck-swallow-breathe concept, but they're catching on. We can only thank God for blessing them with good health, we've been so fortunate to not have to deal with the complications that most other preemies face.

Andrew and Dad

Ryan, John, and Lisa



"This suck-swallow-breathe-thing is HARD!"



John rests after a big meal

Andrew takes a few sips, then pants like a dog to catch his breath - so cute!

Our big guys are starting to pack on the pounds! John has joined the 4 pound club and now weighs a full 4 lbs 4 oz. Andrew is a whopping 5 pounds 1 ounce, and I think is starting to show a little double chin - which I think he gets from my side.

That's all the news for now.  It will most likely still be several more weeks until the boys come home - sometimes it's easy to forget that they shouldn't even be here for another six weeks.  We're glad that we get all of this "practice time" in the NICU before we bring them home and have to do this all without the professionals.  It looks like they're already starting to wrestle and do typical "brother stuff" to each other...let the fun begin!

"Hey Andrew, smell my formula-breath"



Big Boy Beds, Bottles, & Bradys

It's only been two days since my last post and yet so much has happened in the world of babies!  Here's a quick update and a few pictures...

Both boys had head ultrasounds last week which is just a standard procedure so the doctors can take a look at their brains.  Both looked great, so they'll check the babies again at 30 days when they can see more detail.  For now there were no signs of any issues.

Our big guy, Andrew, surprised us on Friday evening (2/3/12) by being moved into a big boy bed!  He always seems to be warm, so our little "Hot Box" graduated to an open air crib instead of a covered isolette.  He looks like a cute little burrito all bundled up in there! 

Being able to regulate their body temperature is one of the criteria they must meet before going home, so this was a great sign.  John still needs to gain some weight before he makes the switch, but I'm sure he's not far behind. 

Even though John is smaller than Andrew, both are gaining weight - while hopefully Mommy is starting to lose some.  Both boys are taking Similac 24-calorie formula which is a higher calorie formula to help them gain weight.  When they come home, they'll be on Similac NeoSure which is a 22-calorie formula for preemies (so please save your coupons).  Andrew is taking 42mL and John gets 35 mL per feeding so they're getting between 11 & 9 ounces per day.
 
   John's birth weight: 1670 grams (3 pounds 11 ounces)
   John's lowest weight: 1575 grams (3 lbs 7.5 oz)
   John's 2/4/12 weight: 1762 grams (3 lbs 14 oz)

   Andrew's birth weight: 2010 grams (4 pounds 7 ounces)
   Andrew''s lowest weight: 1900 grams (4 lbs 3 oz)
   Andrew''s 2/4/12 weight: 1762 grams (4 lbs 11.5 oz)

   Mom's weight gain: 74 pounds
   Mom's weight loss: 35 pounds

On a side note, it drives me crazy that everything in the NICU is measured with the metric system. So for those of you who used to ask your math teacher "are we EVER gonna need to know this?!?", the answer is YES!

Here are a few pictures from 2/2/12 that I took so you could get a better idea of how small they really are.  A lot of the pictures make them look bigger...


John with tennis ball - 3 pounds, 11.5 ounces

  

Lil John with playing card - 16.5 inches long



Andrew with playing card - 4 pounds 8.5 ounces

 

"Fuzz Head" had just had a bath - 18 inches long

The big news related to feeding is that yesterday, 2/5/12, both boys took their first bottle!  Nurse Lisa thought they looked ready, even though they're only 33 weeks, and she was right!  Ryan and I weren't there for it, so we were shocked and ecstatic when we arrived and heard the news.  John took about 15 mL of his feeding by bottle, and Andrew around 20 mL.  Since they're so little, it takes a lot of energy for them to feed this way, so they'll start with just two feedings by bottle per day while we're trying to conserve calories.  As time goes by, it will gradually increase.  This MIGHT mean they'll come home sooner than we expected, but it will still be several weeks before that happens.  They will need to be taking all of their meals by bottle before they even consider sending them home.

The boys continue to have occasional bradys, but they pass quickly and still don't require any treatment.  As John & Andrew mature, these will happen less & less.  The doctors will make sure they're over these episodes before they come home, so we just wait and watch.

For now, I think that's all the baby news!  Enjoy a few more pictures...



Snuggle time with Andrew



Baby Andrew

Snuggle time with John

Dad & John

Quick diaper change with John

Dad with "Hot Box"

Andrew's snug as a bug!

John says hello & thanks for reading the blog!